Rules for Toast Competition at The Fall Classic 2004

Ladies und Gentlemen uf Ze LHS:

Ze godt Doktor vants you to put on your tinkink caps for a Toast Competishun at ze Fall Classik Base Ball Hop zis Oktobor tirtiet. Der vill be several prizes awarded fer eloquent, period toasts including de Coveted Golden Toast Avard.

Here Are ze Rules und Regulashuns fer de Competishun:

Rule One:	Competishun open to all Voting Members of Ze Livink History Society of Minnesota, Ink. und 2004-Season Players of Vintage Base Ball. (So git yer deues paid fer yer LHS Membership early, as Herr Doktor Crumbbs vill know if you haven't paid æem.)
Rule Two:	All Toasts must use Period Format, vit a short phrase dat folks can remember followed by de flowery details. Den all de folks repeat the short phrase und clink und tip ze glass. Der's a sample er two down below from de Land Grant Jollification held in Oktober 2003 if ya need some help.
Rule Three:	All Toasts vill be submitted on paper and in legible format prior to de dinner break at de upcomink Base Ball Hop und vill be read by either Herr Doktor Crumbbs or, if you are more fortunate, anudder guy who is a bit more akustumed to de local aksent. Yer name must be on de paper. (Remember dat ze godt Doktor's eyes may not be vat de yoosed to be, so you might gain some points if you print it big.)
Rule Four:	Dem dat writes de Toast must also write de Response to de Toast. Dat Response can be presented either by ze Author or Some Schlep dat ze Author talks into doing it. Failure to have a Response eliminates de Toast from de Competishun. Again, view ze Sample below for clarifikashun.
Rule Five:	Ze Response to de Toast vill be considered in ze Judgink.
Rule Six:	Remember dat ze Theme fer ze Hop zis year is ze Gentlemanly Game of Base Ball. Toasts dat pay homage to ze competink cities or teams, or to ze manliness of ze men who competed, or to ze Game, or to Herr Doktor Crumbbs will be given special consideration fer prizes.
Rule Seven:	Vinners need not be present at ze end of ze Hop ven dey vill be announced, but Herr Doktor Crumbbs reserves de right to make critical remarks about you if you are not.
Rule Eight:	Sum might kontend zat ze language of the Greatest Period of Unbridled Optimism Know by Man Before or Since is based on hyperbole. Herr Dokto Crumbbs says Exercise of ze language is godt. Humor und puns are godt.
Rule Nine:	All judging vill be conducted by Herr Doktor Crumbbs und his team of experts from ze Minnesota und Pacific Rail Road Board of Direktors. Decisions of ze Judges are final und no one shall argue.
Rule Ten:	If ve find dat ve need more Rules or Regulashuns, Herr Doktor Crumbbs vill make æem up on de spot und no one shall argue.

Sample Toasts/Responses from ze 2003 Rail Road Land Grant Jollification based on ze Originals from ze 1857 Minnesota Land Grant Jollification. (With thanks to the Washington County Historical Society.)

In ze samples dat follow, the bolded text is ze short phrase dat folks can remember und de text dat follows dat is ze flowery part. Dese are ze unaltered originals as presented in 1857 by F. Delano. Responses are so labeled as such. Ze general theme of the responses is true, zough ze lankguage is not genuine.

To The Pioneers of Minnesota- Men of iron nerve and intelligent discrimination. They planted deep the foundations of our present and future greatness. With open hearts we welcome them here on this festive occasion.

All reply: The pioneers of Minnesota.

Response (Historically delivered by M.S. Wilkinson, Esq.).

It is with utmost joy in my heart that I merrily endorse this toast to our pioneers. The testimony and sentiment of this toast is truthful and just. I, myself, have had the honor to be in the presence of these great men on many occasions, dating from meeting in this city several years ago. Let me unequivocally state that no other Western State or Territory has yet been settled by a set of men so universally intelligent, virtuous, and enterprising as the pioneers of Minnesota!

To St. Paul- The present commercial center and leader of the Northwest. May the time come when her iron arms shall embrace the continent, and gather wealth from the distant seas.

All reply: St. Paul.

Response (Historically delivered by S. J. R. McMillan, Esq.)

At the outset, the iron arms of St. Paul must and will fully embrace its sister city of Stillwater, for it is through the enterprise and energy of her citizens that greatness will be achieved. Next, St. Paul must and shall look toward St. Anthony to the west and gather the power of her mighty falls into the industry and enterprise that will drive commerce into the future century. Lastly, the city must extend into the territory; to towns and cities not yet started but which will follow the Minnesota and Pacific rail lines--Fridley, New Baltimore, Woodbury, Gopher Prairie, Bridget, and countless others to be named. The iron rails will unite the territory and the iron arms of the greatest city of the Northwest will surely embrace the continent. It cannot fail! For we will not fail!

To the Three Arteries of the Northwest- The headwaters of navigation on the Mississippi--the headwaters of navigation on the Red River of the North, and the commerce of Puget Sound. Three finger-prints in the sands of time.

All reply: The three arteries of the northwest.

Response (Historically delivered by J.W. Taylor.)

Rivers and Rails-Together the force is not only formidable, but unstoppable. From the ports of Stillwater, St. Paul, and St. Anthony the Minnesota and Pacific will be the first; but this is only the beginning. Notice that the first railroad is the Minnesota AND PACIFIC. I believe we are destined to be the home of the nation's first trans-continental railway-from Stillwater to Puget Sound. The first Wednesday in May-and every first Wednesday in May thereafter until the sun no longer rises-the board of this first railroad will host its annual meeting. What will this look like in 150 years? It will be no small gathering, I would be willing to wager, if I were a wagering man.

To Our Petitions- Though consigned to the Tooms (tombs), they had a glorious resurrection. Rice gave them strength while Shields guarded their passage through the Senate.

All reply: Our Petitions.

Response (Historically delivered by T. M. Newson, Esq., of the Times.)

On an occasion such as this present, I-and I hope all present-can ignore all Party feelings. Whatever the differences there might be on political questions, let us join in rendering suitable praise and commendation to the men-whether of the North, South, East or West-who had contributed their influence and energies to meeting out justice to Minnesota in bestowing the munificent grant of lands that is now our mutual rejoicing.

De Komittee What Judges:

Herr Docktor Crumbbs, Chair
Herr D. Grabitske.
Judge Wittenbreer (now dat's qualified!)
Other profeshinals as needed

Respectfully Submitted,

Herr Doktor Crumbbs

Director of Toast Competishun,

Fall Classik Base Ball Hop 2004.

Minnesota & Pacific Railroad Company